What Is Hell.

Seeing pure beauty
And feeling only pain
The devils fork I fear not
For equal pain it can not bring
Sitting in the darkness
To see the light
Sucoming to hope
Only to have depression drown the soul
Whiskey burns the throat
A moment of happiness
Finally able to feel
The bittersweet burn
Melancholy darkness envelops
That which is forever alone

What a bad night!

Well tonight has been total shit!  First I was worried about someone and thought they hadn’t made it home until I saw Instagram pictures of them making dinner so at least I knew they were home safe.  Then I leave for work, as I’m heading down I-77 I got behind a grey trailblazer that was doing 50 mph in a 65 mph zone and was in the passing lane.  The other two lanes were full of cars passing this guy but were still only going 55 mph, so I got behind him and after a minute of following him I quickly flashed my lights to let him know I was there and to move out of the way.

He slammed on the brakes and started coming back at me, luckily there was a hole I could swerve into in the middle lane and kept from getting hit.  He fell back and I was able to jump back into the passing lane in front of him and get up to speed.  Well apparently I wasn’t supposed to do that because he proceeded to get right up on my tail and started flashing his lights none stop while speeding up and slowing down behind me.  I was an opening in traffic so I just got over and to let him get past and instead of going past he cut off the car behind me and continued to follow me and flash his lights.

So I got back in the passing lane and sped up to try and lose the guy but he stayed right with me.  I got on RT. 30 but instead of heading towards work I went the opposite way and got off at Harrison and was going to loop around and head back towards work.  Well the light for the on ramp back onto RT. 30 turned red and a line of cars started going so I couldn’t just jump on and get out of there.  He decided to take the opportunity to get out of his trailblazer and walk up on my car, I didn’t see him till he was right up on my car and at that moment I just flashed my lights at the oncoming pickup truck and thank god he stopped because I ran the red and gunned it onto the on ramp.  Of course while I was flashing my lights and getting ready to floor it the asshole got a hit on my car and put a nice big dent on top of the driver side rear fender.

So I managed to to get to work and asked the guys to watch my car while I went inside to do my paperwork and nothing else happened, thank god!  The rest of the night went smoothly until I got to my first drop and the snow hit, and it hit hard!  The rest of the night I was driving in a white out and couldn’t see the road most of the time.  The best past was it wasn’t until I was about a mile for RT. 21 that I saw the first ODOT truck.  For weeks now there has been no snow but ODOT has been out there laying down salt, and tonight the road are covered in snow and slick and there isn’t an ODOT truck to be found!  Way to got ODOT, the one time you need to be out laying down salt you’re nowhere to be found!

So I stopped at Walmart and picked up a few things I needed and added a small plunger to my list, and once I got home I managed to use the plunger to get the dent mostly out, but there is still a little dent and the metal is weakened now, so that’s just great!  Of and the best part is when I was behind the trailblazer I could see the overhead TV playing a cartoon so that meant the guy had at least one child in the car!  Anyone crazy enough to put their child (or children I don’t know) at risk like that is someone I’m not going to get out of the car and confront, that’s a level of crazy I won’t mess with!

What Is The Point?

Imagine your dealing with a great internal struggle to try and figure out how to be the friend the person you care most for needs while not letting your emotions get in the way and hurt that person.  After two days of putting yourself though a mental hell you see that this person is also hurting, so you reach out before your ready to do so and you try to let them in and ask to sit and talk with them.  They thank you for opening up to them but then tell you that they are done sitting and talking and then tell you to make a decision.  So you ask one question in the hopes that it will help you decide, and after seven hours there is still no response.  You can see that they had been online during the past seven hours and could have responded, but still there is nothing.

So you make the choice to let go of your emotions, as hard as that will be you do it so that you can give them what they need from you.  You tell them your choice and leave it at that, you don’t get a response til the next day in the form of a text telling you they fell asleep and that’s why they didn’t respond.  You wonder “then why didn’t you respond while you were posting things?” but you let it go and try to move past it, maybe they forgot, who knows.  So you text back and forth a little, then they get mad at you for saying “Later” instead of “Goodbye” or “Goodnight” and you just try not to think about it.
The next day you start a chat online and you’ve drifted back into your old self, the self you didn’t want to go back to but the one you had to go back to so you could try to let go of your emotions, and they start to get mad at you for the way you are, and you try to explain that it’s what you had to do to give them a drama and stress free friendship like they wanted.  They they start pushing, and you start getting mad, and your not saying anything because your about to blow up, but they just keep pushing and finally you blow up and write out a paragraph in about three minutes telling them the things you wanted to tell them when you wanted to sit down and talk.  As soon as you hit send you shut down your computer and walk away furious.
After five hours of laying in bed calming down you log back on to see the message from them just saying that they don’t know what to say.  You respond with “there is nothing to say” they say they have a lot to say and later say it’s about whats in their head.  They ask you if you can sit down and talk the next day, you want to say “I’m done sitting and talking” but you decide to be the adult and say yes, besides you know that they are dealing with some things to, you plan on meeting up some time after noon and then chat some more.  During this chat they tell you they don’t want you to give up the emotions you have for them, and you give in and reopen your heart to them, the emotions you’d been suppressing for two days come flooding back and it feels so good.  Your both sweet and loving and tender, and you say beautiful things to each other when you say goodnight.
So a little after noon you wake up to a text saying “take your time getting up, I’m laying down on the couch” ok whatever, they have a busy life and they were up late the night before talking to you, they can rest for an hour or two then you can go over and talk.  An hour later you see them online, you start to write a message to them asking if you should come over since they are awake, but they go offline before you can send it.  So at 4:00 you finally give up waiting and decide your not going over that day since it’s now to late and you try to go back to bed.
You lay there for two and a half hours, not able to sleep at all.  You think and think and think, you think when you needed them most they refused your request, but two days later they asked for the very same thing and you gave in and gave it to them and then wasted your time.  If this was so important maybe it should have been something both people should have given up some rest for, not just you.  You lay there and get madder and madder, then you start to feel hurt, your hurt because you knew you shouldn’t have given in and reopened your heart, you should have just kept your emotions at bay.  But you didn’t, you reopened your heart because you let yourself believe that it would get better, that you’d sit down, talk everything out, and everything would be fine after that.  You realize how stupid you were and you kick yourself for not seeing this coming, so you begin to shut down again.
Then you get out of bed and see that they texted you four times while you were laying there with your phone’s ringer turned off, all texts came in after it was to late so what did it matter?  So you respond and explain that the ringer was off, and you try to be nice but your mad.  So after a few texts between you two they ask if they can tell you something, you say sure, and they say they miss you.  It’s at this point that you feel a horrible mixture of love and anger, love because you still care deeply for this person, and anger because every time you try to shut down and give them what they want they try to keep you from doing it, and they keep saying they want a friendship but they keep acting and talking like it’s a relationship, and you never know what to think!
So after almost twenty minutes you calm yourself down enough to respond, and with tears welling up in your eyes you mechanically type out a text saying “I’m miss you to.  I’m leaving for work now, good night.”  So you get up and walk out, you go to work and try not to think about it, you try to focus on the work.  Then your on the road and you have nothing to do but think, you try listening to music but the music only makes you think more, so you give in and think about it, and you start to get mad all over again.  You get mad thinking about how when you needed them when you were hurting and vulnerable they refused and hurt you, and when they needed the same thing you gave in, you tried to be there for them instead of hurting them back, and now you have nothing to show for it.  And it’s at that point that you realize your completely shutting down again, you’ve given up the emotions, and this time it’s not as hard, and this time your not just doing it for them, it’s for you as well, it’s so you don’t keep getting hurt.  You have to start thinking about yourself and protecting yourself, and you know maybe someday if the situation changes and you can have a real relationship, you can reopen your heart once again, but for now what’s the point?  And that becomes the question you think about the rest of the time, what is the point?

Only Time Will Tell

Laying in bed,
Thoughts swirling in my head,
Lacking any motivation,
To get up from my location,
Nightmares while I sleep,
Awake wanting to weep,
Will they come true,
Or can we once again pull through,
Only time will tell,
Until then I’ll be in hell.

Don't Let Go

Racing heart,
Fearing being forever apart,
Acted like an asshole,
Now I’m paying the toll,
I can’t stop shaking,
My heart is aching,
How do I say I’m sorry,
Will you even hear my plea,
Breaking down,
Will you forgive the sad clown,
Please don’t let this be the end,
I want a chance to mend,
Please don’t tell me to walk,
Just please give us a chance to talk.