Questions to make your brain hurt

**NOTE** These are jokes, if your brain is really hurting and you’re looking for help please click HERE.

Why protest online when congress doesn’t understand the Internet?

If SOPA passed and we posted Pirate Bay links on Senate.gov, would they shut down their own website?

The opposite of PRO is CON, so isn’t the opposite of PROGRESS supposed to be CONGRESS?

What if the light at the end of the tunnel you see when you die is just the first light you see when your being reborn?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

What if the 2012 “end of the world” meant the World Wide Web?

If zombies are dead, why do they need to eat?

If your sexual partner is possessed by a ghost, is it a threesome?

Why are right wing christan’s against socialism, when christianity promotes socialism?

If a 15 year old rapes a 23 year old, do they both go to jail?

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?

If you expect the unexpected, does it become the expected?

In what language do deaf people think?

Will vegetation’s eat carnivorous plants?

If a man feels that he’s a women trapped in a man’s body or vice versa, then when would the person say they are cross dressing?

If a gay man goes into a coma then is he a fruit or a vegetable?

Jesus walked on water, what if the water had just frozen?

If life is unfair to everyone, then isn’t life fair?

If a painter paints letters, then is the painter really just a writer?

Toby, or not Toby?

If women are 51% of the population then why the hell do they get to get on the boat first?

If the Internet is world wide, then why can the U.S. government create all the laws to regulate it?

If answering a question with a question is bad, what is the answer to “Any Questions”?

Do satanists say “go to heaven”?

If a car was traveling at the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on the headlights?

Why do we park in the driveway and drive in the parkway?

If you have balls of steel, are you Ironman’s father?

If America is the land of the free, then why do we have the highest incarceration rate?

If it’s just a thought, then is it the thought that counts?

If you quit smoking then take it back up again, are you a quitter?

If you have sex with a prostitute but don’t give her money, is it still a crime?

If the Mayans were so smart, why aren’t they still here?

If a cop speeds to chase another speeding cop, who gets the ticket?

If you read all of these and none of them didn’t make sense, are you really sane?

Green Lantern

Well I just finished Green Lantern and while I don’t think it was as bad as everyone made it out to be, it wasn’t great. It was more like the Superman reboot, die hard fans will love it, the rest of us who like Batman and the good hero’s will think it’s just an alright film and worth a watch once. The best part of the film was Ryan Reynolds, he made the film, it it was anyone but him this would have been a total flop. But yes the CGI was way over the top. All in all worth a watch if you’ve got Neflix.

Dear Republicans.

Dear Republicans, congratulations on driving out the only electable candidate you had. Jon Huntsman was the only candidate you had that was sane, and had a chance at winning the white house. Good job, you just made the RNC the Obama re-election committee. Now you’ll have the nut jobs that are still in the race going at each others throats until Mitt Romney is the last man standing just so he can loose the general election to Obama.

Marines pissing on terrorists

Ok so on the whole Marines pissing on dead terrorists thing, well first let me say I have no respect personally for the terrorists, they are religious nut jobs using hit and run tactics to kill American warriors and while effective it has no honor unlike our brave men and women.

Now let me quote a ancient Greek saying “to know your opponent you must first look thought his eyes”. So lets try that, lets say that the movie Red Dawn really happened and for ten years the soviets occupied the United States and one day killed four Americans then took pictures of themselves pissing on the dead bodies and let those pictures get out. Americans would demand blood for such a thing! Then imagine that we saw Russians saying that they should do that even more, we’d go ballistic.

What I’m saying in the last paragraph is every time you see something that someone is outraged by try to see it from their view try to understand why they are outraged. “Where ignorance is bliss ’tis folly to be wise.” Thomas Gray.

We as Americans must take the moral high ground, it is though constant respect that we can build trust with the world. The longer we continue to lower ourselves to the terrorists standards the longer we open ourselves to attack.

Oh and to clear up something I said in the beginning, when I said the terrorists were “religious nut jobs” I’m not saying all Muslims are “religious nut jobs” just the ones who have hijacked the Muslim faith in the name of terror. Much like the kkk hijacked the Christian faith in the name of racial terror.

So in closing let me say this, all of you saying we should piss on more terrorists probably also go to church and pray to Jesus, well Jesussaid:

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. [Matthew 5:9]

Resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. [Matthew 5:39]

I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite-fully use you, and persecute you; [Matthew 5:44]

Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy [Matthew 5:7]

Killer Elite

Well I just finished Killer Elite and while it’s not the best film I’ve seen and it leaves a lot to be desired it was still a great film and worth a rental. I have to say it was refreshing to have an action flick with a decent plot, to really describe it is would be a very well written story wrapped with some great action sequences. The only reason I’m not totally sold on the film is something I can’t explain, I was never really drawn into the film so much as I was just watching it, and the whole thing just left me wanting something more with out knowing what that something was. The acting was great though it did seem limit De Niro and Clive Owen who could have provided so much more to a film dominated by Jason Statham, who is by no mean a bad actor it just seems a little excessive. Like I said it’s a good watch and worth the rental but I don’t think I’ll ever buy it, even from the $5 bin at walmart.

Horrible Bosses

Well I just finished the black comedy Horrible Bosses, and while it had a few good laughs over all it was a major let down. The whole film just seemed to try way to hard to be funny to the point that it stopped being funny. The acting was fine, the plot was good, but the writing it’s self was the problem. Just a big let down.

Failed Exam

There should have been some value for creative thinking.


STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM………..
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
* Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Court Reporter Records.

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep
, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20 , much like your IQ.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

An insane joke.

A Psychiatric hospital nurse is walking down the hall when a patient suddenly throws a cup of apple juice against the wall. She walks up to the man and ask’s “Why did you throw that cup of juice against the wall?”

He looks at her and say’s “God told me to do it”.
Then without missing a beat another man down the hall yells “I did not!”